


Secrets

by Lvamp1192



Category: MASH (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 13:14:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17387036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lvamp1192/pseuds/Lvamp1192
Summary: Hawkeye isn't dealing with this war as well as everyone thinks. Will they be able to save him from himself?





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if I should continue this or not  
> Cross posted to fanfiction.net

On the outside it always looked like I had it together. Always the funniest one in the room, always quick with a comeback. Inside though, the daily carnage of the war was breaking my soul. I was drowning myself in gin and wit while the war was drowning kids in bullets and bombs, and it just never seemed fair. I had Trapper which helped break up the monotony of my thoughts and meatball surgery, both quick to crack a joke and try like hell to forget where we are. We weren't army men we had no business being there none of us did. I did find some solace and peace in the little family I had created over here. Though deep down some part of me told me to not get too attached but I couldnt help it, these people were all I had. I wondered how many of them would stand by me if they knew my secrets. I pushed the thought away along with the pain in my side and walked to post-op.  
Itd been a long day of surgeries as chopper and jeepfuls of wounded kept coming down the assembly line of the OR. I was exhausted, dead on my feet but didnt want to sleep. I walked out of the OR with Trapper trailing behind me. He gave me this look I couldn't read as he caught up to me but it was gone and a smile appeared where it laid, as he handed me a martini.  
"We should get some sleep." I said as I put my glass next to me. I laid down and sleep had hit me faster than I was expecting. I was awoken, what felt like minutes after I had fallen asleep by Radar either incoming wounded.  
"What? What happened?" I jumped and yelled loud enough to make Radar jump.  
"Sorry sir, more wounded sir."  
I got out of bed and ran over to the incoming wounded. There was a bombing near the front lines and kids were coming in just to make sure we had new images for our nightmares and so father mulcahy could get real good at reading last rites. I had tried to stitch together 5 kids no older than 19 but there was just nothing left to stitch. I had become so numb and so tired, I was in a weird oblivion; on autopilot. There was blood on my hands from the last kid and I just stared at it. Sucked into another world, wondering when my hands would ever be clean for more than a couple hours. I dont know how long I had been sitting there but a voice broke my trance.  
"You did your best Hawk. We all did."  
"Tell that to those kids, I'm sure they'll appreciate the sentiment." I said walking out the blood still coating my clothes and hands.  
I got back to the swamp and downed 2 martinis before Trapper had come in looking me up and down but stayed silent. I gave him a small sad smile that never fully reached my eyes in a last ditch effort to try to show him I wasnt any more upset than usual. He nodded and poured himself a drink but still looked as though he were trying to study my soul. I looked away grabbed my robe and towel and made my way to the showers. I didn’t even notice the temperature of the water hitting me or how much time had passed before I started using the army issued block they called soap. I rubbed the soap down my ribcage hissing slightly as it hit the crisscrossed marks down my rib cage. I don’t know when this started exactly, I just remember feeling nothing one two many times after performing what we called surgery. The jokes kept me from outwardly screaming but nothing was keeping me from internally screaming. I think part of me just wanted to know what those kids felt. I reached into my robe and grabbed my scalpel I had stolen from the supply room all those months ago. I dragged the blade across my ribs creating five new lines, one for each of those kids I couldn't save. I felt slightly better as I watched my blood drop down my side. I made sure they had stopped bleeding before I threw on my robe and made my way back to the swamp. I walked into the door of the swamp humming an upbeat tune and dancing to the beat. Trapper looked at me with a smile, “you were gone so long I'd thought you'd found a better war." "And give up all the fun I'm having here?" I replied with a smile that met my eyes. We both filled our glasses and took our respective sips, if I could keep this up, I might make it through this war. 


End file.
